Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
