Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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