I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
