Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
