I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
