I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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