Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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