defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i believe in u and ur pee
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
