I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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