By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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