we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
