i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
