Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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