She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
