what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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