Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
