My Higher Power is John Stamos
I should be sponsored by Trojan
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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