come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
