She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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