There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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