I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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