I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
