Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
