you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
