I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
