i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
