i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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