I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
