i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
