If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
