Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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