I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
