I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
