so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
