Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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