Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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