I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
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You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
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I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
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