I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
