Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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