It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
