How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
