Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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