i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
