OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
