it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
