we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
