well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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