guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
