I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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