he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
