I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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