Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
