No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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