im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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