Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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