sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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