somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
