we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
