I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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