i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
